Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:

  Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
  Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
  cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
  original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
  happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
  directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
  assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
  chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told
  me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

  Here are the scorecards from the event:

  Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
  JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
  FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
  remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers
  to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These hicks
  are crazy.

  Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
  JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
  Jalapeno tang.
  JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
  taken seriously.
  FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I’m not sure
  what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
  off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
  maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

  Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
  JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
  beans.
  JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
  peppers.
  FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I’ve located a
  uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
  could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
  back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

  Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
  JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
  JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
  fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
  FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
  unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
  fresh refills to save me the run.

  Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
  JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
  adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can’t focus my eyes. I farted
  and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
  seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
  damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it.
  Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
  stop screaming.

  Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
  JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
  of spice and peppers.
  JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
  garlic. Superb.
  FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
  flames No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

  Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
  peppers.
  JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
  chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
  about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
  FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
  and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the
  world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
  covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at
  some point. Thank God! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me.
  Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any
  oxygen anyway.

  Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
  for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
  mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
  Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
  FRANK: ——- (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)